If you be my star, I'll be your sky.

As I lay here the only thing that I can feel is this unwanted feeling of solitude and the immensity of regret from my poor decisions that I have played from my hand in this game of life. I don’t understand how I can constantly be so ignorant time and time again as to make the same mistakes and suffer from the effects of which months later. My life has become a farce, a travesty marked by a failure to try. I failed to try with you and as a result I lay here alone and cold, as you lay there with someone who truly deserves you. I left my home and everything that I knew for this foreign and unpleasant place because of a failure to try, I’m fucking miserable in this hateful limbo in which I’m chained to, everything is now paradoxical to me. Please one day come back to me.

2011-06-13

Seems like forever ago, these boys are the beat of my heart, missing them hurts more than most people will know.

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Adios Fuckin Viper Town!

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The key to my heart.

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Expectations and Reality

My expectations of what was to happen with us have definitely not fitted with the reality that has cruelly shown its hand. I was naive to believe I could have been something more than an object for you. I suppose I should be great full, you have just reinforced the ideals that I have used for self preservation for the last 3 years.
Never believe in anyone but yourself that way you can never be let down.

2011-06-06

She could make hell feel just like home.

Why is it that no matter where my life seems to drag me I without fail complicate it to the point where my sanity seems to dwindle and struggle like a slowly fading flame caught in a monsoon? I will not ever seem to shine as bright like the rest of my peers but merely exist as an under achiever, a novice at life who never learns from his mistakes but keeps repeating them, like being caught in some horrible universe where dreams are so distant and my reality is a nightmare.I left my home and everything I have ever known to come to this new and very different place to start a clean slate and escape the tumultuous farce my life had become, however your humble narrator does not learn from his mistakes but because of my weakness repeats them.

When I first saw you, you stood out even in a unfamiliar room full of unfamiliar places, your laugh and smile were infectious and your voice was more prominent in my ears than the PA speakers that overpowered every other voice that could have polluted my ears with their incessant need to talk complete and utter bullshit. Over the following weeks I allowed you to enter my thoughts more and more, throwing caution to the wind once again and allowing myself to care about you despite every logical thought of self preservation that was entering my head trying to protect my fragile self and the last remainders of my already damaged self respect and esteem. It all began and ended suddenly, every moment without you became more and more unpleasant, thinking about what I feel were realistic scenarios of deception and deceit and when I finally built up the courage to say how I was feeling it disappeared because of my fear of ruining those amazing moments I had with you, to this moment my stomach is constantly in knots and my heart feels as though it is tattered and torn to an irreparable extent. I have allowed myself to start caring and falling for you even though it seems clear to me in your mind there is no future for us but that I am merely something to fill your time in till something better comes along, I am your puppet being pulled around and danced by the strings that rest so delicately on the tips of your fingers. You and you alone have the power to make me feel better about myself for an instant or like something that is worth less than nothing for days at a time. I already struggle on a day to day basis without the unneeded feeling that adds to the pain I now feel, these past months have been so trying and I honestly feel as though I wished I had of succeeded where I had failed on that fateful day in February, you know the suffering I go through first hand so why would you help add to that?

I’m not angry at you as much as I wished I could be, on the contrary it is quite the opposite but I just want clarity. If you ever bother to read this just know that I do care for you so much irrespective to your past dealings with relationships, I just hope you keep to your promise that you made me, thats if you even actually remember it. I feel stupid to be doing this on such an open medium but I am really left with no alternative, I have no one to talk to about this and I haven’t the courage or resolve to arise these issues with you. I hate the fact I am miserable and feel the need for external validation to be happy but its the sad and pathetic truth that thats what my life has become like, just know nothing has given me happiness in a long time like the little things with you. My life and my relationship with you (Whatever that may be now) are a paradox, I am utterly lost in these morose tendencies that plague every aspect of my life, I just want you beside me each step of the way because without you I know I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I need you so much closer, I don’t even know what to ask anymore just for you to be content with me and only me even though I guess I feel like ultimately I will never be enough for you. I really do hope you read this but I think your beautiful and I know for a fact that no one could care about quite like I will, as always I will continue to be here, just hurts believing that I will be nothing more than this for you.

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The reality of feeling like this is becoming more and more apparent.

2011-03-23

That Lucky Old Sun.

The most devine of apparitions, my time with you was like a distant but beautiful memory, and now you have engulfed my mind with the most unfathomably deep feeling I have felt since I was a child, strong enough to make any grown man fall to his knees with complete and absolute wonder and to denounce all others. Forsaking all other avenues just to spend an eternity living with these feelings and thoughts, this is all I want with you. I have lost you because of my own weakness and for that I am ashamed, what I feel and have felt for you though has not been anything earthly for such consumate happiness cannot be measured or gauged.

I miss the way you used to be able to see through to my soul.
I miss holding you in my arms.
I miss the way you would touch my face or kiss my neck and make my soul come alive.
I miss coming into your room to find a sign saying welcome home baby
I miss the feeling of your heart through your back against my chest.
I miss singing along to songs with you.
But most of all I just miss you, nothing more, nothing less.

You are the single most magical creature that has graced my life in twenty years and I understand if you dont believe me or trust anything I say anymore but nothing has ever broken me quite like being apart from you. I adore you and I will continue too, till the air is stripped from my lungs and the prepetual beat you give my heart ceases and is no more. I am yours.